This month's Superhero...

In a previous post when I explained Kal-el's name and why it is so appropriate, I mentioned that he wasn't the only superhero in my family and that we were all superheroes. I would like to introduce you to one of those superheroes.

This is my sister, Fidelma, aka Mrs Incredible!

Fidelma is not only my sister, but she is also the mother of my nephew whom I've mentioned in other posts because he is on the spectrum. So why do I want to introduce this superhero to you?

My nephew is 8 years old. When he was a toddler, I would watch him take what I thought at the time were temper tantrums. He would run and hide under a table crying and complaining just because maybe he was told "no". Nobody realised at the time that he was in fact having meltdowns. As my sister became more aware of the little things that just didn't seem right, just as I had with Kal-el, she of course tried to get him to doctors and specialists so that she could find out what exactly was going on with her son. She's still taking him to specialists. It has taken until very recently for her to get the long string of diagnosis that she has now. I won't even attempt to list them. And she is not done yet.

In all of this time she has had to deal with meltdowns, often violent because of the sheer frustration that the child was trying to deal with. She has sought to have him placed in a special needs school but as yet has been unsuccessful. She has had to deal with constant bad news reports from the mainstream school that he is in with regards to his schoolwork, which of course he's not going to be on par with because he is a special needs child. She has also had to deal with the bad news reports from the school in regards to his behaviour with threats of expulsion because they are just not equipped to be able to deal with his specific needs. That's understandable because his teacher has many other students to deal with that do not have special needs but need just as much attention. Resources are so limited that even to get an hour per morning for only four mornings a week with a Special Needs Assistant means endless forms that need to be filled out with reports to confirm that he does indeed need to pull from those very limited resources.

My nephews SPD means that there are lots of foods he can't eat simply because of things like texture and smell. There was a time he couldn't keep clothes on just because of the feeling of the material against his skin. Just those two issues alone would mean a lot of work for his mum trying to feed him and keep him clothed. The sad thing is that I really can't tell you a whole lot else about his different likes and dislikes that are simply related to his SPD, except that he used to really hate anything pink and that he can't stand to be anywhere near girls. The reason I can't tell you much is because I don't really know.

You see my sister didn't start a blog like I did so that she could talk about everything that was going on with her special little boy. She didn't pick up the phone and call to talk about his latest therapy. She never once asked for a lift to his appointments even though at the time she didn't have a car. You see my sister didn't want to be a burden to anyone.

Yes, when I would visit her or she would visit me I would get the rundown on what was happening with therapists and schools and my nephew. But I never got a run down on how she was doing or how she was coping or even how she was feeling. We are a very independent minded bunch of siblings and have always found it difficult to talk about "ME", how the "ME" inside is really coping with what life is throwing at us. However, what is even SADDER than her not telling me is that I never once asked! Like most people, I wasn't directly affected by autism or SPD in my daily living so it wasn't something I would spend much time thinking about unless I was with my sister.

So this superhero sister of mine just gone on with everything that she needed to get on with. She travelled the length of the county to attend appointments with all of the different therapists, appointments that my nephew did not want to take part in, and so many times the assessments couldn't even be completed. She spent hours at parent courses to help her learn how to help her special little boy. She spent hours at home trying to help with homework and working on his speech and behaviour. Life with her special little boy is busy, busy, busy.

But she doesn't just have one little boy. She has three sons and has to be a mother to all three sons. Has to deal with the everyday issues and tasks and problems that come with just being a mum to three boys. I don't know how she has kept it all together for all these years.

One of my first thoughts after Kal-el had been accepted into Early Intervention and when I was dealing with the emotion that came with that news was that I wondered how my sister had felt when she was first told that HER son was "broken". I wonder now how many times she has been given devastating news and how she has had to deal with it. Before it didn't really mean too much to me because I was removed from it. Now I am experiencing a similar journey although it is a very different one. Now I can understand some of what she has gone through and is still going through. Now when she gives me the rundown she has my full attention and even my questions.

I realise also that for many people who read my blog it doesn't really affect them. It might tug on a heart string or two but life just goes on as normal because they don't have to deal with autism in their everyday lives. Of course there are those who can relate to it. To those who know us personally, Kal-el probably just seems quirky. Maybe it's even a little annoying that he doesn't enjoy loud music or singing or taking part in group activities. And that's perfectly fine. There's a huge difference between knowing about someone's special needs and actually having empathy toward that person. I can not empathise with someone who has cancer or someone who lives on the streets but I can empathise with my sister somewhat.

You may be wondering, "Is someone really a superhero just because they have a child with special needs?". Actually, YES! Yes, if a parent is living their lives trying to meet a child's special needs, needs that are outside the norm of other children, whilst doing everything they can to help that child develop enough to be able to cope in this world and often whilst also doing their best to be a mum or dad to other children and a wife or husband, employee, employer and general all round good citizen then YES, YES, YES, they are most definitely deserving of the title of superhero!

My sister, however, does so much more than that!

In the first picture of her above, Fidelma is standing addressing an audience of people to talk to them about a fundraising endeavour that she alone had organised to help support not just one but FOUR local charities in the run up to Christmas last year.

In this next picture you will see Fidelma as she works to raise money for Irish Autism Action by having a stall at an indoor market. She also organised a fantastic quiz night with spot prizes and everything to raise money for the same charity.

Fidelma is just like Mrs Incredible, because she stretches herself to help others. Truly, she has enough to deal with in just her own home but she isn't satisfied unless she is helping and doing for others outside of her own home.

It's not just charities that she stretches herself to help, she has always shown her heart of gold so full of love to her parents, her brothers, her sisters, her nephews and her nieces. Every birthday, baby dedication, wedding......whatever it was she would throw herself into baking and catering for it all as much as she could and always far more than was ever expected and often at her own financial cost. Christmas, New Year's Eve, Easter.....always inviting family into her home to share in a feast. Offering to babysit and have sleepovers to give tired mums and dads a break - even though she is the one who needs the break. Selfless!

I've watched her with my son. Before I would ever believe it, she knew it. When Kal-el was around Fidelma he got full on attention. She played with him. Like actually on the ground playing. She wasn't too busy. She already empathised. Even though our children present very differently, she'll try to get on his level and communicate with him. She cares about him.

She really is a superhero in my eyes!

I just hope that she knows how much we all love her and that I may not have been able to understand so much before, but that now I'm always here for her whenever she needs to offload.

Thank you for everything you've ever done to show your love to me and my family. I love you sis!

(If there is someone that you would like to nominate as a Superhero for next month's post please mail me!)